W. C. Fields - a few of his best known quotes
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar
Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.
(When asked : "How do you like children?") "Fried!"
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
(In a restaurant to waitress): "I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here."
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
...more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
My father...one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.
Man: "I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time." WC: "A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy."
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
(Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded:) "Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails."
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
Charlie McCarthy: "Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?" WC: "He'd think I was a sissy."
And now a special treat to celebrate our 100th prompt. It's the final 10 minutes of the movie Love Story which includes the immortal line 'Love means never having to say you're sorry'.